I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
