i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
