Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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