i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
