It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The best revenge is premature balding
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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