all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.