If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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