i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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