just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
