remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
