my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
