One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just invented taco cereal.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
