I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
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I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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