Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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