she was so not down for the gang bang
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
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As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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