mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
