my phone needs a breathalizer
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
