I CAN MOONWALK!
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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