I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
