you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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