Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
