Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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