you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
