he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
