My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
How external is "for external use only"?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
