I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
