Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
