I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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