It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
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I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
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Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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