grandma shit on top of the toilet
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
