i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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