How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
