Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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