I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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