You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
