Moan for me like Helen Keller
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I have aggressive nipples.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
