Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
