WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
