I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
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I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
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just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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