You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
