This house was built for laser tag.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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