I wish my penis had an off switch
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He did a backflip because drugs
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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