ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
