today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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