3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
