How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
