I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
