so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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