and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
