glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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