The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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