I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
