i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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