You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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