Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
