My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
